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Former Perth Wildcats captain Brad Robbins reveals battle with depression, and how he came out other side

This is a tale of two wolves locked in a battle so vicious that it took former Perth Wildcats captain Brad Robbins to the brink of death. Robbins, who for seven years as a Wildcat hid his deep depression beneath the glitz and glamour of one of Perth’s hottest tickets in town, has admitted to self-harm after his shock decision to walk away from the club he loved on the spur of a desperately dark moment in 2013. The good wolf Robbins so keenly wanted to align with had suddenly disappeared, leaving only the evil wolf he had been trying keenly to outrun since his mid-teens. But the 37-year-old father of three has now fought back to better health for his young family and wants to tell his story to help continue his healing as well as to encourage others feeling the mental pain he has confronted, that there is a way out. “There was a time when I felt I was just floating through day by day and now I feel a lot better with who I am and the direction I’m taking. I fall off the path every now and then, but at least now I know where I’m looking. “It’s a bit cliche but even if there is one person you can help, then you’ve done your job.” Robbins, heavily tattooed and an intriguingly deep thinker with an artistic bent, is a curious case study in mental health issues. He first noticed something emotionally amiss at just 15, in the midst of an very successful junior basketball career. His Victorian State team had easily just won the under-16 national title but instead of jubilation there was a void that acutely represented a feeling of emptiness that would come with each subsequent success. He remembers at that point telling his mother Vicki that something was not quite right but quickly buried the emotion from the view of even those closest to him. “Everything was fantastic and things were only on the up, but I felt really empty inside and I couldn’t put my finger on it,” he recalls. “No matter what was happening for me - good, bad. I just felt empty and couldn’t fill the cup up. But I hid it as well as I could from my mum and my family and friends for the next 10 years.” Then came a complex struggle between wanting basketball success at the highest level he could find, against increasingly becoming frustrated by forming a one-dimensional identity as “Brad the Basketballer” — even though the game gave him vital life structure. “I was at a really critical stage of my development and all I could identify as was a basketballer and this thing just kept lurking in the background,” he says of the point where he started to develop “immense anxiety”. “I didn’t want to go to school, I didn’t want to go to training, I didn’t want to go to games, even though I knew it was a pathway for me.” Nicknamed “The Angry Ant”, Robbins became the Wildcats’ trusted defensive enforcer, forging a formidable partnership with Damian Martin when the latter joined the club in 2009. It is remarkable to think that the grit he put on public display night-in, night-out in front of his club’s “Red Army” of supporters, masked such emotional turmoil under his skin. “When you’re pitched as that kind of guy, you don’t think you can be vulnerable and show any kind of weakness and I never felt comfortable sharing it with anyone,” he says. “I’ve always felt like two different people and I’ve never been able to give the whole Brad, the whole me.” One person who did pick up on some issues with Robbins was his first Wildcats coach, Scott Fisher. He found out years later that Fisher had approached his parents in 2007 with the claim something was not quite right with their son and suggested they take him to a psychiatrist. But the moment passed without action. It got to the point where not even the NBL championship in 2010, where Robbins played heroically in the grand final series through broken ribs, a calf tear and sore hips, could help him find the satisfaction he sought. “I haven’t kept any of my singlets, I don’t have many photos from when I played and at times, it just feels like a distant memory,” he says. “Then at other times, it just feels like yesterday that it all happened. I don’t feel like I really appreciated my career and if only I could do it all over again. “Sure, there was adrenaline and that would get you through. But the days after achieving something, it was just immense lows — who am I and what’s next? Just that empty cup feeling. “While other guys and teammates are enjoying it, I’m already back in the dark place with the bad wolf. I was in a really bad spot, I couldn’t give them the good wolf - the best version of me - and I felt like I was letting everybody down.” Robbins said the only feeling of fulfilment he had from his career were the lasting friendships made. He described his retirement press conference as a sham, telling others his body had told him to retire when other forces were clearly the main factor. He had been emotionally hysterical in an Adelaide changeroom in the moments after his last game for the Wildcats — which they won — and was later clinically diagnosed with major depressive disorder, which causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. “I was worried that if I didn’t walk away, I was going to put myself in a position that I might never have come back from,” he says, admitting he knew it was a decision he would later regret. But the evil wolf was howling and his thoughts were far from straight. He had been gripped by the reality that is best described in an old Cherokee tale where a grandfather is telling his grandson about life. “It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves,” the grandfather explains. “One is good. He is beauty, he is happiness, he is joy, he is a kind-hearted father, he is a good husband, he is a leader in his community. “He is pain, he is suffering, he feels guilt, he feels shame, he feels alone, he feels hopeless and insignificant. “The same fight is going on inside you and every other person, too.” When the grandson asks his grandfather which wolf will win, the latter simply says, “The one you feed”. Robbins said reading the tale many years ago at least put some sense into what he otherwise struggled to explain or understand. People closest to him, including his wife Bekki and close friend and former Wildcats teammate Greg Hire, both call him “Bobby” — the part of him he sees as the good wolf and the person he wishes he could be more often. “But more often than not, I’m just Brad the ex-basketballer who retired because of mental health issues,” he says. “I constantly feel like I can’t quite get the balance right and you almost stop yourself from being happy. I get anxious around big crowds, which is ironic. It takes me a lot of effort to bring Bobby out and be present in the moment.” Hire, also Robbins’ brother-in-law since the pair married sisters, said he could finally reveal that it was his friend’s plight that prompted him to start his notable WA charity, A Stitch In Time. Before now, he has said the inspiration had been an anonymous friend dealing with mental health issues. He said Robbins had become an important presenter in telling his story as part of the charity’s work. “No one is immune from mental health issues and the world has shifted in terms of being a professional athlete,” Hire says. “Brad seems like a guy who would be so open to sharing his emotions and feelings . . . the tattoos, the alternative style. But he struggles with that and that’s what it’s all about. “So when he is inclined to share it, it’s powerful because people resonate with it. Knowing him as an individual, I know how hard it is for him, but I’ve seen first-hand how he’s ben able to connect with other people. “People have told me Brad was the reason they changed their life and that he has even saved their life. That just shows how vital his work is and the thing I love about it is that he is just so real. “I founded the organisation off his story. It’s the backbone of why our organisation continues.” Hire recalled breaking down in tears when Robbins told him of his shock plans to retire. “I still get goosebumps thinking about it,” he says. “He’s living proof of dealing with a mental health condition and still being successful. Robbo is the strongest human I know in the world.” Robbins’ story has also resonated with West Coast captain Luke Shuey, who since hearing it has committed to ambassadorial work with A Stitch In Time. Shuey was confronted with his own emotional intensity early in his Eagles career. Just three months after moving from Victoria to Perth late in 2008, he was told he would not play in the early part of his first season after being diagnosed with osteitis pubis (inflammation in the pubic joints). A week later, his 17-year-old sister Melanie was killed when she was struck by a motorcycle as she walked across a Melbourne road. “When I first came to Perth, the Wildcats were really building on their name and he was the captain and fearless leader,” Shuey said. “So you had this image of him as this tough, invincible character who couldn’t be broken. So to hear about the battle he faces every day he wakes up was confronting to hear and heartbreaking at the same time. “We’re so used to seeing big, strong, tough men in our society and it’s hard to picture them going through something like this behind closed doors. So he’s a pretty inspirational bloke and you hope one day he can turn a corner and live a life free of all of it.” Shuey said despite his own adversity, he had not fought a mental health battle during his 238-game AFL career. But he understood the pressure of elite sport was not easy for every athlete to manage and Robbins’ revelations had made him want to help. “You can relate the question of which wolf you feed to a lot of things, but obviously none is more important than your mental health,” he says. “In this day and age, there are a lot of tools and a lot of resources to help aid your mental health and your mental well-being, which is great and I’m sure that’s helping a lot of people feed the good wolf. Everyone goes through tough times at some stage, but not everyone battles mental health to the degree people like Brad have. “I’ve been through tough periods, but I’m very fortunate I’ve never had those battles. It’s important to be able to talk about it and I’ve been pretty motivated to help out in that space because I’ve heard people tell their stories. “Now being a father, I’d hate to think my kids would have to go through it later in life. So if I can play a small role now in helping society take a step forward then I figure I might be helping my kids somewhere down the track.” Robbins still fights his battle on a daily basis, although life is significantly better than it has been. He said he felt nervous about sharing his story publicly but did not want to risk missing the opportunity to help someone who was feeling similar distress. He said teaching himself to play the guitar, exploring his talents in drawing, spiritual healing, acupunture and meditation and mindfulness sessions were crutches that helped him find his pathway to a new life. Those things, the unending support of his family and friends and his commitment to fatherhood, have proven to him that there is more his life than just being, “Brad the basketballer on a wooden floor with two hoops”. Once he had found a psychiatrist he connected with, after years of searching, improvement also started to come more easily an the good wolf has been visiting more often. He hoped that was a message to others to keep looking until the right connection was made and to never give up trying or to force a relationship. Robbins, who now works as the talent and coaching manager at the Willetton Basketball Club, said if he could go back and talk to his 15-year-old self, he’d tell him that, “Everything is going to be ok”. “When you go through something like I’ve been through, it’s a very up-and-down journey,” he says. “You worry about what people might think, then you feel guilty about worrying. Instinctively, you think about the selfish part first, but I’m in a good space to be able to tell my story and share my story and knowing how that helps people makes you feel really good. “I think I’m taking more risks and being more positive and open with things. I love being a dad and I love my kids more than anything — I want them to get 100 per cent of me. “You don’t want anyone else to go through what you’ve been through and I wish I’d heard my story when I was 15 years old.” Lifeline: 131114 Beyond Blue: 1300 224 636

The West Australian exclusiveFormer Perth Wildcats captain Brad Robbins reveals battle with depression, and how he came out other side

exclusive
Former Perth Wildcats captain Brad Robbins reveals battle with depression, and how he came out other side