Kelsie Prabawa-Sear: Don’t give up on your girls

As a society, we have come to understand the unquestionable value of kids having a positive, engaged dad or dad figure in their life.

When our kids are little bubs, physical attachment and connection often come in the form of cuddles, feeding, bathing, dressing, and desperately trying to encourage sleep.

Play is a wonderful way for kids and dads to connect in early and middle childhood. The unpredictable, vigorous and stimulating way that dads play with kids is important in helping develop kids’ social-emotional skills such as self-regulation, resilience and empathy.

As the kids grow and start to move away from the unpredictable physical play that dad offers, it can be hard for dads to know how and when to connect with them — particularly with their daughters.

Research has identified shared experiences in sport and physical activity as the main avenue that Australian dads use to communicate, give advice, instil values and share life experiences with their kids as the kids get older.

Dads tend to do this more with their sons, meaning many girls miss out on this opportunity for connection. Connection between dads and daughters usually reaches peak difficulty as daughters hit puberty, which coincides with girls dropping out of sport, increases in mental health concerns and increased levels of social isolation.

Between the ages of 11-17 years, 90 per cent of Australian girls do not get enough physical activity for good health. Our girls’ reluctance to participate in sport or physical activity can be a source of frustration for parents and coaches.

Understanding the reasons why is important and can help in identifying other ways that they can continue to be active and socially connected.

Many girls feel uncomfortable with the performative nature of their sport. This includes not feeling comfortable in uniforms, feelings of discomfort with rapidly changing bodies and unpredictable periods.

Many find sport too competitive and judgmental and note the lack of opportunities to play just for fun. Many feel embarrassed by being watched and yelled at from the sidelines. Frankly, who can blame them?

When the sport is gone, the physical and social impact is not just felt by the girls, but the whole family.

The girls experience a loss of connection with teammates and the sporting community, but often also with their dads. So how else can dads (and uncles, grandpas and father figures) connect with teen girls, if not through sport?

There are many ways to connect with our kids through physical activity, but for the most reluctant teens, walking is a good option.

There are additional benefits associated with walking in nature, but it doesn’t have to start there if that doesn’t appeal to your teen.

Walking to the shops, or even around the shops is a start and it’s surprising how much more enthusiastic we all feel when there is the offer of an ice cream or Yo-Chi at the end.

A simple 10-minute walk boosts brain chemistry to improve mood, assuming dad doesn’t say something wrong — and we all know conversations with teen girls can sometimes require diplomatic skills of the highest order.

Here are some basic tips for chatting with teen girls: try conversation topics that are not contentious or personal. Ask her to explain things to you. Ask her about things that you don’t know much about (like Yo-Chi). It might not come naturally but try just talking for the sake of talking, not to solve anything. Asking her to explain something happening in pop culture is a good start. Try your hardest not to give your opinion unless she asks. Let her be the one who knows more about the topic.

Be willing to pass over the power for the duration of the walk and stick to the agreement.

If you said walk to the shop, don’t try to make her jog or race you. If you said a 10-minute walk, don’t make it longer. If you said a beach walk, don’t try to make her swim. Appreciate what you agreed to and see if you can build on it in a way that appeals to her. If your child is agreeing to walk and talk with you, you are already doing really well. Don’t ruin it by trying to turn it into a fitness or life coaching session.

If you feel like this is all a bit too much, try downloading the Talk N Walk app. It was designed by teen girls for teen girls and their family and friends for exactly this purpose.

Most importantly, don’t give up on your daughter. Just support and encourage her through this challenging time and know that she will emerge on the other side, hopefully with an appreciation for how much a walk can help when you’re not feeling your best.

Dr Kelsie Prabawa-Sear is CEO of Nature Play WA